Relationships and Sex: What to do if the relationship is great, but the sex sucks

You like her. You think she's great. But the sex is just terrible. What should you do?

So you just finished your third date, and she invites you upstairs. She’s wearing a complicated bra that clasps in the front instead of the back, and you're having trouble taking off her skinny jeans.

When you finally get down to business, you worry that you’re not getting hard fast enough, and you fumble with the condom. It takes some maneuvering to get into position and find a rhythm that works for both of you.

The next day, you replay what happened over and over again. You don't understand. You like her. She likes you. So why was the sex so...well...awful?

First of all, relax. Not only is awkward first-time sex OK, it’s also normal.

“When you go into something having high expectations it’s probably not going to live up to what you want,” says somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond. Her explanation for this? “If a couple has been dating and they really like each other, there’s something at stake, because they are invested in the relationship." This may be especially true for men: “The anxiety can get in the way of his performance and pleasure.”

In fact, for the vast majority of couples, the first time you have sex won’t be the best sex you’ll ever have with that person.

“I always tell clients the first time in bed with a new lover is like taking a tourist trip through a beautiful city. There's something uniquely inspiring about the first time seeing each other naked. But it's not until later, when you get to see the places they don't show the tourists, that you really appreciate the life of the place,” says New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, MD, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long Lasting Relationship.

The places that tourists don’t get to see? The secret spots where your partner likes to be touched, and how they like to be touched. This takes time and effort to learn, because all bodies are different: some women, for instance, like intense stimulation directly on their clitoris, while others prefer a lighter touch. It takes time to learn the map of your lover’s body and what works for them.

The good news? If the sex isn’t as good as you'd imagined, there's an easy way to fix that: by having lots more sex. Assuming you like this person and want to see them again, you should absolutely try having sex again.

“I think sex gets better and better not only because you’re learning each other’s bodies, but because that attachment is growing,” Dr. Richmond says. If it's still not great after a few tries, Dr. Snyder advises asking your partner how they like to be touched.

If you continue having sex and it still doesn’t improve, then you need to ask yourself whether the relationship is worth pursuing — especially if your partner is unwilling to communicate about how to make it better, notes Dr. Richmond.

Of course, if the sex was so bad you just can’t deal, or something in your gut is saying this isn’t right, you are under no obligation to sleep with or see this person again. That's particularly true if the other person is selfish in bed and only concerned with their own needs.

“It’s certainly possible that they were like that due to anxiety, or how much they were drinking, but it’s not a great sign if a person is not at least somewhat focused on your pleasure,” Dr. Richmond says. (And obviously, it goes without saying that if sex ever feels non-consensual or coercive, you should run like the wind.)

But if you're still committed to making the relationship work, keep going and communicate about your desires. Little by little, the sex will improve. “If you’re committed to making a relationship work and having consistent sex with this person, attachment, security and the openness with constant communication will make sex the better,” Dr. Richmond says.

Above all else, communication is key. It might sound obvious, but it’s mind-boggling how many people just don’t ask their partner how they like to be touched. You don’t have to go over turn-ons and turn-offs over dinner like you're in a job interview. Simply ask, “Does this feel OK?” or “Tell me how you like to be touched; I want to make you feel good." Don’t be nervous to ask, and if she asks, don’t be nervous to answer, either. It's mega-hot to hear someone share that they like their nipples pinched hard, or that they love having sex from behind.

Above all else, don’t let awkward first-time sex scare you away. Amanda Luterman, a psychotherapist who specializes in sexuality, says she’s treated many couples who initially had bad sex. “Couples who now have wonderful sex lives often look back to the first time they had sex, looking at each other laughing at how bad it was,” Luterman says. So if your sex life sucks, act like a grown-up and talk about it. You know what they say: practice makes perfect.

You like her. You think she's great. But the sex is just terrible. What should you do?